Star Wars Episode 2XL: The Parody Awakens
by Nerdherder51
Summary: An anthology of short humor / parody pieces related to Star Wars The Clone Wars. Rated T (generally equal to PG-13). I'll add some later as I go. Lots of Ahsoka included. May include quick crossovers with other Disney holdings. Enjoy. All New Chapter 17.
1. Ahsoka and Ventress walk into a bar pt 1

Okay, so I've been feeling kind of blue lately so I thought I would write some humor pieces to try and cheer me up. I hope they make you laugh, too. Enjoy.

 **Ahsoka Tano - Brown Pants**

* * *

 **At a cantina. Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi, is sitting at the bar nursing a drink. She is dressed in a red vest, brown/tan pants and dark boots. Tano is joined by Asajj Ventress. They are both drinking to mourn the premature end of _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_.**

 **~O~**

AHSOKA: You, too, huh?

VENTRESS: Yes. And I hate it. I had a big storyline that featured me and Quinlan Vos. Now it's just collecting dust on book shelves as a novel.

AHSOKA: At least you got a novel. I was going to be featured in an underworld story arc that will never be seen or read by anyone. I even filmed a scene where I did some pretty harrowing wire fu stunts on a malfunctioning speeder while being dangled over one of those deep shafts on Coruscant. Scared the life out of me, too.

VENTRESS: Well, at least you made the right fashion choice with those brown pants.

AHSOKA: Yeah, thanks. Now that I'm not a Jedi anymore I switched to… HEY!

* * *

 _If you do a YouTube search you'll find some animatics (some with voice overs) of the aborted Ahsoka Tano story arc after she left the Jedi Order (she wears the costume described in this fanfic parody) and the aborted arc with Ventress and Quinlan Vos. Check it out._

STAR WARS and all related characters are copyright Lucasfilm / Disney.


	2. Ahsoka and Ventress walk into a bar pt 2

**Ice Breakers**

* * *

 **At a cantina. Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi, is sitting at the bar nursing a drink. She is dressed in a red vest, brown/tan pants and dark boots. Tano is joined by Asajj Ventress. They are both drinking to mourn the premature end of _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_.**

 **~O~**

AHSOKA: Aaauuugghhh!

VENTRESS: What's wrong now, Tano?

AHSOKA: (Sighs) I've been so depressed about my decision to leave the Jedi Order. The betrayal, the persecution, the pain of feeling alienated. So I decided to ask Queen Elsa of Arendelle what she did to get over own experiences.

VENTRESS: And?

AHSOKA: And all she did was break out into her big song _Let It Go_.

VENTRESS: I don't see what the prob-.

AHSOKA: Over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over again. Like a broken record. I'm sick of that tune. And now it's stuck in my head.

VENTRESS: Oh.

AHSOKA: I swear if she sings that stupid song one more time I'm going to…

ELSA: For my new friend, Ahsoka. (Singing) _Let it go! Let it go!_

AHSOKA: (Angry as hell) Alright! That's it! (Slams down half full glass of ale) I'm putting an end to that god awful singing right now! (Ignites lightsaber)

ELSA: (SSHHRAACCKK!) IIIEEEEE!

VENTRESS:(Surprised) You didn't kill her, did you?

AHSOKA: Of course not. I just cut off that pain in ass' bleached blonde braid.

ELSA: My hair!

VENTRESS: That wasn't very smart.

AHSOKA: Oh please. Elsa can't hurt me. She's a Disney Princess, what is she gonna do?

[WHOOOOOOSH!]

VENTRESS: Well for one, she can encase you in a giant block of ice.

AHSOKA: (chattering) ….s-so…o-o… c-co…co…cold…

* * *

 _Elsa, FROZEN and related characters are copyright Disney._


	3. Ahsoka and Ventress walk into a bar pt 3

**Snowmen**

* * *

 **At a cantina. Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi, is sitting at the bar nursing a drink. She is dressed in a red vest, brown/tan pants and dark boots. Tano is joined by Asajj Ventress. They are both drinking to mourn the premature end of _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_.**

 **~O~**

[A short, happy snowman toddles up to the bar next to Ventress.]

OLAF: Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs.

VENTRESS: What a coincidence. So does my lightsaber. Here (activates saber) why don't you two get acquainted.

OLAF: (Approaches red lightsaber) Oooh, pretty. (SCRRAZZZZ!) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

VENTRESS: Serves him right.

AHSOKA: Watch out. He has a big brother named Marshmallow.

VENTRESS: Marshmallow? Really? Ha! I'm not afraid.

AHSOKA: Well, he's standing right next to you so maybe you should apologize.

VENTRESS: Oh yes, I'm going to be so afraid of a teeny, tiny snow man named Marshmallo… (Looks down expecting itty bitty snow man. Then cranes her neck up.) Mallow… oh… oh… oh. Oh you're a big one.

AHSOKA: Uh huh

VENTRESS: He seems terribly angry.

AHSOKA: Yep.

VENTRESS: This is going to hurt, isn't it?

AHSOKA: Like a mother.

VENTRESS: Tano, be a dear and call an ambulance for me.

AHSOKA: Already on it. (Whips out phone)

MARSHMALLOW: STAY! AWAY! FROM! OLAF! (Grabs Ventress by legs and starts flailing her back and forth) [WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!]

AHSOKA: Huh, he got that move from Hulk in _The Avengers_. (On phone) Hello, Tim Taylor Emergency Services? I need an ambulance. (Looks over at Ventress) …and bring a squeegee.

VENTRESS: …ow…


	4. Ahsoka and Ventress walk into a bar pt 4

**The Agency**

* * *

 **At a cantina. Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi, is sitting at the bar nursing a drink. She is dressed in a red vest, brown/tan pants and dark boots. Tano is joined by Asajj Ventress. They are both drinking to mourn the premature end of _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_.**

 **~O~**

AHSOKA: (Singing to herself)

VENTRESS: Well, you're looking chipper today. What happened? Bonteri finally ripped off your clothes and took you all night long until you walked bow legged?

AHSOKA: I wish. But nope. Better. Switched to a new talent agency. I've already got a new gig. I'm starring in "Weird Al" Yankovic's new movie: _Basic Cable_.

VENTRESS: I hate to burst your bubble, Dearie, but there is no new "Weird Al" Yankovic movie. Not after the disaster that was the last one.

AHSOKA: What?! How would you know?

VENTRESS: I'm a lifelong member of the "Weird Al" fan club. Trust me, he can't buy a new pair of Vans without me knowing about it. You better check with your agent.

AHSOKA: (Calls agency on phone) Hello, Melanie, I need… Tiffany? … Where's Melanie? … She quit? … Well, never mind. I need to talk to my talent agent. Put me on with Mr. Dewey… Not in? Okay, what about Mr. Soacum? … Well is Mr. Howe available? … How could they all be out of the office at the same time? Where are they? … At the courthouse? What are they doing there? … INDICTED FOR FRAUD!? IMPERSONATING TALENT AGENTS? Ooooohh!

VENTRESS: Tano, you do realize you signed up with a talent agency named Dewey, Soacum and Howe. That should have been your first clue.

AHSOKA: (Dawning realization) OH GO-D! My life is ruined. (Force pulls a bottle of ale from the bar and starts chugging it down).

VENTRESS: That's called stealing. I thought Jedi weren't supposed to do that?

AHSOKA: (Gives Ventress the finger)


	5. LuxSoka: The Sex Comedy

**Star Wars: The Clone Wars**

"The LuxSoka Parody"

This one is for all you LuxSoka shippers out there. (Please have a sense of humor.)

* * *

Ahsoka and Lux Bonteri have escaped the Deathwatch camp on Carlac and are returning to Coruscant. Aboard the _Phoenix_ Commander Tano is most cross with him for his impromptu kiss during his attempted negotiations with the Mandelorian terror group.

AHSOKA: Lux, I like you very much, but if you ever do that again…

LUX: Ahsoka, I'm sorry, I had to save your life. If Deathwatch knew you were a Jedi they would have killed you on sight.

AHSOKA: They nearly did kill me on sight, thanks to you.

LUX: Well, perhaps this will make up for it. [Grabs Ahsoka and kisses her passionately.]

AHSOKA: [Pushes him away] What are you doing?!

LUX: Ahsoka, today I fell in love with you. We're perfect together. [Presents her with an engagement ring]

AHSOKA: Lux, I'm not really your betrothed. I just made that up. Besides, a Jedi cannot form strong attachments. It's forbidden.

LUX: Oh. Well, in that case can we just have lots of raging nonstop animalistic sex, instead?

AHSOKA: What!? No! Absolutely not! What if my master found out? Or the Council?

LUX: No one's looking. We're alone out here, just the two of us.

AHSOKA: No. Besides, we'll be back on Coruscant in no time.

LUX: Not to worry, I've calculated a path that will take us zig zagging across the galaxy. [Punches in new flight plan]

AHSOKA: Are you kidding? That will take days.

LUX: Weeks.

AHSOKA: Weeks?

LUX: Yes, Ahsoka, weeks. Weeks of nothing but splendid nonstop, hot, sweaty, illegal in a thousand systems, carnal-tastic, curl your toes, twist your spine like a contortionist, scream like a banshee, and make you wish it would never end _sex, sex, sex._

AHSOKA: Carnal-tastic? Curl my toes? [Pondering] Ah to hell with this, no one's going to find out! [Kicks off boots and jumps into Lux's arms as the two start to make out] [Stops and looks at her astromech droid] Artoo, not one word of this to anyone. You hear me?

R2 D2: [Agrees and rolls into other room]

AHSOKA: Okay, now where were we? Oh right, curl my toes, Mr. Bonteri! Curl them like only you can.

 **~O~**

ANAKIN SKYWALKER: [Holo image appears on communications system] Ahsoka? Ahsoka where are you?

AHSOKA: [Pops up from the floor] GYAAH! [Grabs blanket and pulls it over her naked self.] Master Skywalker. Wha- Who- Uh… how are you?

SKYWALKER: I was about to ask you the same thing, my Padawan. Your ship is overdue by almost a week. Are you alright?

AHSOKA: YES! Uh, I mean yes. I'm, I mean, we're fiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNEEEee!

SKYWALKER: What was that? I didn't get it.

AHSOKA: Nothing! It was nothing whatsoever. [Whispering to Lux] stop it.

SKYWALKER: Ahsoka, is there a problem?

AHSOKA: No. Why do you ask? Oh right, a week overdue. Well, there is a slight problem with the naaAAAaavigation [eyes go cross-eyed] coOOOoompuUUUuteeerr and… and… and ArtoOO…. HOOO… HOO …oh yes, yes, yes, uh… I mean Artoo is… is… trying to fix it.

SKYWALKER: [Crosses arms] Alright, what's going on? And why are you wearing that blanket? Where are your clothes?

AHSOKA: Uh… uh… Blanket? Clothes?

SKYWALKER: [Suspicious] Yes. Blanket. Clothes. Where?

AHSOKA: Well, I… uh… put my clothes to waAAAAASSHhh! They were so dirtyyyEEEEEE… HEEE… heeee! [Whispering again] Lux, stop it. You'll get us both in trouble.

SKYWALKER: I'm sending a ship to bring you in.

AHSOKA: NO! I mean NO! I mean, Artoo has it nearly fixed. Really. [Grins broadly] We'll be home soon. Goodbye. [Turns off comm system] Lux, what were you thinking? [Eyes suddenly roll back into her head, back arches like a contortionist, toes curl all the up to her ankles] Oooooooohhhhh yyyeeesssssssss! How did you learn to do that? Where did you learn to do that? Oh who cares, just keep doing it.

LUX: [Sits up, kisses Ahsoka and then pulls her back down] With pleasure, my dearest.

 **~O~**

The _Phoenix_ arrives on Coruscant. Master Anakin Skywalker is at the platform waiting. He appears very angry.

AHSOKA: Oh boy. Here it comes. Remember, Artooie, not one word, or squeak, about what happened.

SKYWALKER: Ahsoka! Where have you been? Do you know I've been waiting for almost two weeks since our last communication? I've had the clones out all over the galaxy looking for you?

AHSOKA: Uh…, sorry, Master, but there was a, uh, a malfunction with the, uh, communications system.

SKYWALKER: Save it, Ahsoka. I know what you and Lux Bonteri were up to.

AHSOKA: Huh? We weren't doing anything wrong.

SKYWALKER: Really? Then why are you walking with your legs a mile wide apart?

AHSOKA: [Looks down] Ooops!

SKYWALKER: Ooops doesn't cover it, Snips. What you and Bonteri were doing out there broke your Jedi Oath.

AHSOKA: Along with several laws of physics, I'm sure.

SKYWALKER: Look. I get it. You're sixteen and a ball of raging hormones. You want to know what it's all about and you figure that one time won't hurt. But you're a Jedi and being a Jedi means controlling your urges so they don't control you. And you failed that spectacularly, Little One. I'm sorry, Ahsoka, but you leave me no choice. I have to report this to the Jedi Council. [Sniffs the air] Is that cinnamon butter I smell?

AHSOKA: [Depressed] Yes. Lux likes to lick it off my… Wait a minute. How would you know what it is?

SKYWALKER: Uh... No reason.

AHSOKA: Oh! My! Gosh! You're having sex, too.

SKYWALKER: No we're not! We're just fr-. Uh oh.

AHSOKA: Aha! And you were going to _turn me in_? You really are something else, Anakin Skywalker. Hmmm… I wonder who it is [gasps] Padme?

SKYWALKER: [Panicked] No it isn't! [Face palms] Not again.

AHSOKA: Ha! Yes. It's Padme! Of course, it all makes sense now! That's why you two get along so well! I can't believe it was right under my nose the whole time.

SKYWALKER: Snips, this isn't about me. It's about you and Lux Bonteri.

AHSOKA: Oh really? Well it seems that if you reveal my secret I'll just have to reveal yours.

SKYWALKER: Now you listen here, Little One.

AHSOKA: [Gets sinister look in her eye] Hmm… I wonder if Senator Amidala and I should compare notes.

SKYWALKER: Alright! Alright! I'll keep your secret. Just keep Padme out of this.

AHSOKA: Deal. So, she likes the cinnamon butter, too, huh?

SKYWALKER: The woman keeps _a fridge_ in the bedroom! I mean who does that?

AHSOKA: Well, Skyguy, it seems you taught me just a little too well.

SKYWALKER: [Sighs in defeat] Sure seems that way, Snips. I just hope this doesn't come back to bite us in our Jedi butts.

AHSOKA: [Giggles] Lux likes to do that, too.

SKYWALKER: Gurk! Please, I just ate.

* * *

 **This story is going to get me into sooo much trouble.**


	6. A Convention(al) Betrayal

**A Convention(al) Betrayal**

* * *

The door opened. Ahsoka realized only now just how loud the sounds of sliding doors really were. All she wanted at this moment was for them to be quiet. Her quarters in the Jedi Temple were dark as she snuck in after hours. If her master Anakin Skywalker found out what she was doing he would be furious. Breaking curfew was frowned upon, but what she did that caused her to break curfew was much, much worse.

The door shut. Still it was just so darn loud. Ahsoka stood in the middle of her darkened room. She heard not a sound, Ahsoka had successfully returned to the Jedi Temple and entered her quarters with the utmost stealth. And no one was the wiser. "Whew, made it."

"Don't be so sure!"

"MASTER!"

The lights flicked on and in the corner stood Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight and her mentor. He looked very angry and equally hurt. "Ahsoka! I am most disappointed in you tonight. What you have done borders on unforgivable."

"You knew?"

"Of course, I knew. The Jedi have eyes and ears everywhere. This goes beyond just breaking curfew, my Padawan. You betrayed me. You betrayed the Jedi. How can we ever trust you again."

"But Anakin, I wasn't dealing in spice or racing in the underworld or even selling secrets to the Separatists. I just went to a _Star Trek_ convention."

"EXACTLY! How could you be a fan of that _other_ 'Star' franchise?!" Anakin bellowed, shades of pain and hurt in his voice. "We don't crossover. Everything in the _Star Trek_ universe is explained away through science. There is no mystery, no faith, just cold hard science. Do you know what happens when you try to explain our universe through scientific inquiry? You get midichlorians."

Ahsoka winced. "Oooh! Yeah, that still hurts."

"Indeed it does, Little One. Now if you promise never to do that again I won't report you to the Jedi Council, but I still have to ground you. You are going to remain here in the temple where you will meditate on your mistakes until I say otherwise."

Ahsoka sighed, looking every bit as broken and defeated as she felt. "Very well, Master Skywalker."

"Good, now get some sleep, Ahsoka. We'll talk more about this in the morning over breakfast."

"Okay, I just need to remove these Spock ears and wash off the Stickum before bed."

"You do that, Snips. And I'll be here to tuck you in... Wait a minute. Spock ears? Where did you put... you know what, I'm not even going to ask."


	7. A (Nearly) New Hope

**A (Nearly) New Hope**

* * *

"Oh, hello, Ahsoka. How long have you been here?" Anakin Skywalker asked as he took his place on the stool next to hers.

"Hi, Master," she greeted with melancholy. "I'm afraid I've been here a little too long."

"Well, I see we have another refugee at our table," Obi Wan Kenobi greeted as he joined his former colleagues.

"How long has it been since _The Clone Wars_ was cancelled?" Ahsoka asked rhetorically.

"Do you really want an answer to that, Little One?" Obi Wan replied.

Ahsoka took a swig of her drink, eyed the last of it at the bottom of the glass and then answered, "No, not really. Just trying to make conversation, I guess."

"Conversation implies you want an answer," Anakin reminded her.

"I'm just counting the days with my new pal, Jim Bean."

"Heavy drinking is hardly a Jedi trait, Ahsoka," Kenobi warned.

"Maybe you missed my last regular episode, but I quit the order. Remember?"

"Yes. I remember. It's been trying for all of us, Ahsoka," Obi Wan sighed.

"Yeah. All this time and still no work," Anakin grumbled. "Now I know how the cast from _Star Trek_ felt when their show got cancelled."

"Wait. Ahsoka, aren't you a recurring player on that new show _Rebels_?" Kenobi asked.

"That's future me," she replied. "Disney borrowed the Delorean from _Back to the Future_ from Universal Pictures to fetch my future self for that show. That means I have to wait at least fifteen years for another acting job to come along."

"Hey, someone here named Kenobi?" the bartender growled, holding a phone receiver.

"Yes, I'm Kenobi."

"Someone from some outfit named Disney for ya."

"Thank you. Hello?"

Ahsoka and Anakin were a bit surprised when Obi Wan received the call. As he spoke on the phone both watched with anticipation looking for any expression that might suggest a new acting gig. When Obi Wan hung up the phone he returned the wireless receiver to the bartender and thanked him for the use of the device.

"Well?" Anakin said, practically shaking his former master to get some kind of response.

Placidly Kenobi responded, "Ahsoka, it seems you won't have to wait fifteen years for another opportunity in front of the camera."

"Really?!"

"Yes. We've been reassigned."

"Who?" Anakin asked.

"The three of us," Obi Wan replied. "We are to report to Disney headquarters Monday morning to discuss the terms of our new television contracts."

Anakin spun around with an excited expression on his face. "Did you hear that, Ahsoka? We're going to be back on television. I can't wait."

"Yeah, baby. _The Clone Wars_ is back, baby! Woooo!" Ahsoka cheered, throwing her hands into the air.

"Well, actually," Kenobi cut in…

* * *

 **~O~**

"Greetings. I'm Obi Wan Kenobi."

"And I'm Anakin Skywalker. Welcome to FedEx Field in lovely Andover, Maryland for this edition of ESPN's _Monday Night Football_."

"That's right, Anakin," Obi Wan continued seamlessly. Both men were dressed in appropriate attire, wearing headsets and holding microphones as Obi Wan continued his well-rehearsed opening speech. "This is the first of a double header on this kickoff weekend for the 2016 NFL regular season. Tonight our first game features a matchup between the host Washington Redskins and the visiting Oakland Raiders."

"This promises to be a good game tonight, Obi Wan. As you may recall, during the offseason the Raiders were major players in free agency, significantly upgrading their defense to match their improved offense. Most pundits now consider Oakland a threat to the reigning Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos for the AFC West Division title."

"Correct, Anakin, but don't expect Washington to roll over. Head Coach Jay Gruden has done some upgrading himself retaining several members of last year's squad while adding several pieces on defense including star cornerback Josh Norman formerly of the NFC Champion Carolina Panthers. On offense the Redskins will pin their hopes on the improved play of their quarterback Kirk Cousins who replaces the departed former number two draft pick Robert Griffin III, now a Cleveland Brown."

"For a ground level perspective let's go to our sideline reporter, Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka, what have you heard?"

The camera switches to the field where Ahsoka Tano, wearing a smart looking woman's business suit, stands addressing the audience while players file past her in the background.

"Thanks, Anakin. I just finished a brief Q&A session with Raiders' head coach Jack Del Rio who said that they are going to use that improved defense to bring pressure on Washington quarterback Kirk Cousins and force him into making big mistakes. Their goal tonight is lots of poorly thrown passes from Cousins leading to plenty of turnovers."

"Thanks, Ahsoka," Anakin said as the camera returned to the booth.

"Ahsoka," Kenobi began, "this our first exposure to American style football on here on Earth. How did you acquaint yourself with the game?"

"Well, Master Kenobi, I underwent a lengthy and grueling regimen of playing Madden NFL 16 in franchise mode for eighteen straight hours every day for two months solid. I studied every team, every playbook and the stats for each player. I'm ready for anything."

"Well, that's an interesting method," Obi Wan commented.

"Hey, where are the symbols?" Ahsoka asked.

"Symbols? What symbols?" said Anakin.

"You know. The X, Square, Triangle and Circle that hovers over every receiver on passing downs. I don't see them anywhere. How is the quarterback supposed to know who to throw to?"

In the booth, Obi Wan face palms and groans. Anakin furthers that sentiment by adding, "That's it. We're boned."

Ahsoka, not realizing her microphone is still on says, "Hey, can someone hit the pause button. I've got to use the little Togruta's room."

Obi Wan, sensing disaster in the air, looks right into the camera and says, "We'll be right back after this word from our sponsors."

Just as the signal is about to cut out, Anakin blurts, "Do we have to?"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone who has left a previous review.**

 **I should point out, for those who are not terribly familiar with American Football, that Oakland Raiders' fans often dress up in strange and fierce looking dark costumes when attending home games. Among the strange get ups include (I swear I am not making this up) Darth Vader costumes. I didn't plan it that way, the Raiders / Redskins matchup _really_ _is_ the first Monday Night game of the 2016 NFL regular season. Talk about serendipity. **


	8. The Abominable Snow Togruta

**The Abominable Snow Togruta**

* * *

Snow. It was everywhere. The entire region was covered in the stuff. The mountains, the plains, the trees, all of it was blanketed in the same white color. It was from one deep snow bank that a lone figure popped up from a self-made tunnel. A figure which was male and featured a very pinkish, human complexion.

"What the…? Where are we?" Anakin Skywalker asked as he tried to get his bearings.

Beside him his Padawan a very young Ahsoka Tano popped out of the snow tunnel and eagerly started setting up a large umbrella, two lounge chairs and a table complete with cool drinks all the while screaming, "Yahoo! We made it. Pismo Beach! Jedi vacation here we come! The sand! The surf! The hot lifeguards! Wahoo! Wait. Snow? Master, this doesn't look anything like Pismo Beach."

Anakin, who was preoccupied reading his map, confessed, "I knew we should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque."

Ahsoka, who was now looking over his shoulder, asked, "So how do we get back, Skyguy?"

"That's what I'm working on right now, Snips. Why don't you go play in the snow or something?"

"Hmph! You're no fun." Ahsoka wondered off in no particular direction, looking for something entertaining to do.

"Don't go too far," Anakin yelled. "Once I figure this out I'm leaving, with or without you."

A moment later, he was hit in the back of the head with a snowball. Ahsoka could be heard laughing in the distance. "Is that far enough, Master?" she mocked. So tickled by her own cleverness the fourteen year old Togruta failed to notice a massive snowball come right down upon her.

WHOOOOOMMM!

"Hey!" she screamed, spitting ice from her mouth. "No fair using the Force."

POP! She was hit smack in the face by a small, hand thrown snowball.

"Yeah. That's much better," she mumbled, frustrated that he was, technically, following her rules yet still hit her when she wasn't looking. Annoyed that her good mood had been soured Ahsoka decided to keep walking around for something to restore her jovial disposition.

Then it dawned her: Snow + Person = "Snow angel!" The little one flopped backward into the frozen precipitation that lay on the ground and happily swiped her arms and legs forming the outline. "Ha! Now that looks pretty awesome," she said admiring her own work. Then, inspired by Anakin's use of the Force to drop a snow blob on her head, Ahsoka began to work a large snowball together with her own Force powers. Finished, she molded a second, smaller one and deposited it upon the first. A third, even smaller one was placed atop the first two and she finished it with two branches for arms, and some clumps of dirt for eyes, a nose and mouth.

"Now that's the finest snowman I've ever seen," she remarked. "Actually, it's the only snowman I've ever seen," Ahsoka giggled. Staring at her creation she mused, "Hmmm... I think he needs a friend."

At that moment a looming shadow overwhelmed her position. Irate, Ahsoka turned around to see who was blocking out her light. "Alright! Who is the wiseguy that's… that's… that's…"

Ahsoka thought she was going to find her master or some native person behind her. Instead, she was staring directly into the white toes of a very large and hairy creature which stood several meters taller than her and looked upon her with an innocently curious expression. What she was staring at was the infamous Abominable Snowman.

"EEEEK!"

"Oooh, what a cute, little, pink bunny rabbit!" the huge abominable snowman said. He reached down and grabbed Ahsoka into his powerful grip and held her up to his face. "Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit," it said, overly emphasizing the first syllable in bunny and rabbit.

 _Bunny rabbit? Me?_ Ahsoka tried to sort it all out in her head.

The abominable snowman patted her on the bottom, which she did not appreciate in the slightest. Then he continued to describe what he intended to do with her. "I will name him George and pet him and hug him and squeeze him," the snowman announced as he did what he said, first cradling the girl like a swaddling child and then nearly crushing Ahsoka into his furry chest.

"Can't… breathe," she wheezed. "Not… bunny… rabbit…"

"And pat him and pet him and rub him and caress him…"

Irate in the extreme Ahsoka shouted, "I am not a bunny rabbit! I am a Jedi!"

"Not a bunny rabbit, George?" the abominable snowman asked. "Then how come you have long ears, how come?"

"Long ears?" young Ahsoka repeated, suddenly understanding his point of reference. "Oh, you mean these. Those are Lekku and Montrals, not ears. They are a part of the defining biology of my race," she explained, hoping he would let her go. "Now put me down, please!"

Unfortunately…,

"Oh, George, you was naughty to pretend you was a bunny rabbit," the giant snowman replied, irritated by the deception. "I will punish you good. Bad old, George." The snowman proceeded to swat Ahsoka on her posterior several times so hard she felt that her head was about to pop off her neck.

"Help!" she called out. "Anakin. Master. Help!"

Anakin's reply was tinged with frustration. "Not now, Ahsoka. I'm busy. Why don't you go look for the Abominable Snowman or something?"

"What?! Urrrggghhh!"

"Now I will give my bunny rabbit security and I will keep him warm like a mother hen so that he will never feel rejected or lack for love." The snowman placed Ahsoka into the snow and turned to sit on her like a mother hen warming her unhatched eggs.

"AAH! NO! STOP! AAAIIIEEE!"

* * *

 **~O~**

"DYAAH! NOT THE SNOWMAN BUTT!" Ahsoka flailed her arms around, kicking and waving until she fell to the floor. "Huh. Who? What? Where am I?"

Ahsoka glanced around the room and found that she was not in some ice ridden climate, but in the Jedi Temple. In her own quarters to be exact. She was, or at least, had been sitting on her couch watching the ultra-thin LED television mounted on the wall.

"Oh, that's all it was," she said reassuring herself. Ahsoka picked herself up, dusted herself off and announced, "Okay, that's it. No more pizza and cartoons right before bed. It gives me nightmares."

 **~O~**

The next morning Ahsoka woke refreshed and calm, having put last night's awful dream behind her.

"Hello, Skyguy," she said, greeting her Jedi Master, Anakin Skywalker.

"You look to be in good spirits this morning, Snips," he replied. "Sleep well last night?"

"Better than ever," she chirped.

"Good, because we have a visitor. Come on, I want you to meet him."

Ahsoka followed her master to the temple's main hanger where Master Obi Wan Kenobi was standing alongside a diplomatic vessel which had just returned from an alien world. "Oh, hello, Anakin. Hello, Ahsoka," he greeted. "I would like you to meet the Ambassador to the planet Orto Plutonia. He is one of the Talz, a race of intelligent beings that populate that world. His name is Thi-Sen."

From the ship disembarked a tall, snowman like creature covered in white fur which sent Ahsoka into a screaming fit until she ran away yelling, "Help! It's the abominable snowman. He wants to name me George and hug me and squeeze me and pet me and, and NOOO! Keep him away from me... EEEYYYAAAAA!"

"What was that all about?" Kenobi asked.

"Oh dear," C3PO complained. "Thi-Sen has been insulted. He demands an explanation."

Obi Wan sighed. "Tell him..., tell him Ahsoka is just a young, teenaged girl."

The protocol droid translated and then offered Thi-Sen's reply. "He said he has two teenaged daughters at home and he offers his sympathies. He also said he came here to get away from them for a while. Also, he wants to know if he can stay longer than scheduled. He really doesn't want to go back to that madhouse."

"Oh, well, in that case we'll make the tour as long as possible. Shall we begin?" Obi Wan asked.

"Thi-Sen agrees. And he is most grateful."

* * *

 **This chapter was inspired by, and is an homage to, a Looney Tunes cartoon titled _The Abominable Snow Rabbit_ released in 1961**. **Thanks to everyone who has left a review. Thank you for reading, enjoy.  
**


	9. It's a Trap!

**It's a trap!**

 _This particular chapter is M-Rated._

* * *

After another long and tiring campaign against the Separatists, Anakin Skywalker has come home. No, not the Jedi Temple, but the Coruscant apartment of his secret wife, Padme Amidala. He cannot wait for her sweet embrace.

"Hi, honey, I'm home," he announces as Anakin walks in the door.

"Hi, yourself," he hears from the corner of the room. There, leaning against the wall in a seductive pose, is Padme. She is wearing a robe so sheer it is barely visible, underneath Padme is clothed only in her undergarments and high heel shoes.

"Whoa! I can certainly use some of that," Anakin tells her, wearing a surprised but very silly grin on his face. "So what's the occasion?"

"Why else," she tells him. "You're home from the front lines. Isn't that reason enough?"

"Oh, it's more than enough reason."

"Good," she says, gliding into his arms and licking his lips passionately. "Then consider this therapy."

"After the month I've had, I could use all the 'therapy' I can get."

"I'm glad you think that way," Padme breathes, heaving her bosom and sliding his hands along her body most erotically. "Because I brought along some help."

"Help? What do you mean help?"

"Hello, Master!"

Anakin wheels around to find his recently graduated Padawan standing in the room. "Ahsoka?! What are you doing here? What is she doing here? What are you doing here? And what are you wearing?"

Ahsoka is clothed, barely, in an equally sheer nighty that is so short it can hardly be said to reach to her hips. Underneath Ahsoka is nearly uncovered, wearing only the slightest bra and panties. She slinks and slithers across the room, bumping and shimmying her hips as she moves.

"No. Bad Padawan. Padme, how could you invite her?!" he protests.

"I don't mind," Ahsoka informs him. "I'm not sixteen anymore. I'm all grown up now. And so is she."

"She? Who is she?"

Padme slips her arms under his and holds him in a sexually charged embrace while laying her head on his back. "Oh, I just thought a third might help improve your recovery," she whispered.

"A third?!"

"Greetings, Master Skywalker," came a precise voice. "I hope I can please you well, tonight."

Anakin looked up and gulped. "Barriss?!" Green skinned Barriss Offee was standing across from both Ahsoka and Padme, wearing simply pasties and a g-string. Her eyes fixed upon his and her mouth curled up in a sultry grin as her tongue slowly and erotically licked her lips. "You invited Barriss, too? Why?"

"Why to pleasure you all through the day and night and into tomorrow, dear," was Padme's cryptic answer. "I noticed how wound up you always get with the war effort, so the three of us agreed to take away all of your cares through hours and hours of intensely unrelenting pleasure and passion. We will satisfy you in any and every way you desire and you can satisfy us in the most exciting ways possible."

"WHAT?! Padme, are you well? It's the Separatists. They did this to you," he accused.

"Oh, no, Master," Ahsoka told him. "This is no Separatist plot. If it were, would they seek to please you?"

"No, they would try and exterminate me," he answered.

"Precisely, Master Skywalker," Barriss replied. "Now do hold still, it will make what happens next that much less difficult."

"Next? Difficult? Oh no. There is no next." Anakin stepped away from his female pursuers, trying to move towards the door and his escape. "Now see here, ladies. The three of you aren't in your right minds. Maybe it's the worms from Geonosis. Or it could be some kind of mind altering drug in your food. Or… or… I don't know, but something is very wrong here."

"Oh yes, something is very wrong my dear, Anakin," Padme cooed. "You're not cooperating."

"GET HIM, GIRLS!" Ahsoka shouted.

Anakin fled for the door, but was tackled by the three women and wrestled to the floor where he was immediately smothered with kisses and heaving female bodies. His clothing was torn from his body and when she had taken off his tunic, Padme spun it in the air triumphantly and cried out, "Let the feasting begin!"

 **~O~**

Two and half days later, Anakin Skywalker stumbled down the corridors of the Jedi Temple. His tunic was torn apart, his leggings were on backwards and his hair was horribly disheveled. Anakin's eyes were bloodshot and he looked absolutely affright in almost every manner possible. The Jedi Knight propped up his body by leaning against the wall as he took one slow and careful step before taking the next slow and careful step.

"Anakin, there you are," Obi Wan said. "I've been looking all over for you. Where the devil have you been?"

Skywalker gasped, hacked and croaked his words. "It… it w-was an… an am… ambush, M-Mas-ster. I… I was… was s-surr-rrounded. An… And t-then… then… _they ravaged me_!"

"Yes, well it serves you right, Anakin," Obi Wan scolded. "If you spent more time abiding by your teachings rather than playing space cowboy you would have much better luck against the Separatists."

Anakin tried to speak, to clarify his statements and correct his former master, but he couldn't. Only strange sounds came from his lips.

"I have to go now, Anakin. Captain Rex and I have a meeting with Senator Amidala in five minutes and I don't fancy being late." Obi Wan continued on to a speeder which would deliver him to the Senate Apartment Building, leaving Skywalker to make his own way.

"It… It's a… a trap, M-Master!" Anakin squeaked. When he tried to take another step, Anakin fell to the ground and rolled onto his back, doubling over in pain. "…ow… I… I think they broke my tiny Jedi."

* * *

 **If you've gotten this far, you'll probably need a cold shower.**


	10. Massage Therapist

**Massage Therapist**

* * *

"Good morning, Master Obi Wan," Anikan Skywalker greeted. "A fine morning isn't it?"

"Yes it is, Anakin. Where is your Padawan?"

"I thought she was with you," the younger man replied. "She left a note on her door saying you were going to do some advanced training."

"Training? She's your student. You're responsible for her training, not me."

"Something is very wrong," Skywalker observed. "This is the fourth time this month she's been late. She seems to be doing whatever she wants rather than what I tell her."

Kenobi chuckled. "It seems she is learning to be more and more like you every day."

Anakin just offered an insulted expression.

"I suggest you go look for her," Obi Wan told his former Padawan. "Since she is your student you are responsible for her whereabouts."

"I don't need to be reminded of that fact."

Suddenly the two Jedi heard a familiar, female voice echoing down the halls of the Temple. "OW!"

"There she is," Anakin commented. "And boy is she going to be in deep trouble."

The Ahsoka's voice cried out, "What are you doing? HEY! OW! Didn't you hear me? STOP!"

"Quickly, Anakin. Ahsoka sounds like she is in deep trouble already," Kenobi observed. The two Jedi raced down the corridor following Tano's voice which became more desperate as they got closer to its source. "She's in there."

Anakin opened the sliding door and found his Padawan lying on a bed with a Separatist Battle Droid hovering menacingly over her. "Ahsoka!"

She looked up, shocked. "Master?!"

"Oh hi," the battle droid greeted pleasantly enough. "Just take a seat, I'll get to you in a moment."

"No you won't," Anakin roared angrily, grabbing his weapon and lunging. "Get away from her!"

"Master, no!" Ahsoka shouted.

"Anakin, stop," Obi Wan pleaded.

"Wha-? No-o, wait," the battle droid cried. "It's not what you AAAAHH!"

SHHRRAAAAAACKK! Skywalker attacked, slicing the battle droid in half with a single swipe of his lightsaber. The Jedi holstered his deactivated weapon and stood tall, puffing out his chest as if most pleased with himself for having saved his Padawan from a terrible fate. "Ahsoka, are you…"

"What were you thinking?!" Ahsoka shouted at her master. She then motioned to the destroyed battle droid and yelled, "Anakin, look what you did?"

"Uh… Ahsoka, are you naked under that towel?" Obi Wan asked, averting his eyes and feeling a bit embarrassed.

"Yes! Now turn around!" Ahsoka rolled out of the bed and wrapped herself in a full length robe while preparing to furiously address the two men who had just barged into this room. "It's always the same," she grumbled. "Lousy, stupid, brainless…"

As that was happening, a door on the far side of the room opened and in strolled Republic Senator Padme Amidala. She was likewise dressed in only a thick robe and was humming to herself. "Oh this is going to feel good," she declared between the bars of the song she was reciting. Then, upon looking up, she spied the intruders. "Anakin? Obi Wan? Yeep!" She quickly grabbed the sides of the robe and pulled them even closer, suddenly feeling very naked in the presence of the two male Jedi Masters. "What are you doing here? Ahsoka, what happened to our droid?"

Ahsoka shot up her arm and pointed furiously at Anakin Skywalker, gesticulating as she did. "He did it," the Togruta growled. "Anakin barged right in here and started swinging his lightsaber around, as usual, without asking questions. He cut the droid in half and then started preening like the all-conquering hero."

"Ahsoka. That thing…, _I don't preen!_ "

"Oh yes you do, Anakin," Obi Wan told him, almost as if scolding the boy. "I've warned you about it on several occasions."

"Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?" Anakin replied, feeling a bit abandoned. "Never mind. Ahsoka, that thing was about to kill you," Anakin roared, addressing his Padawan. "Didn't you notice the battle droid standing right next to you?"

"Yes! And do you know how long it took to reprogram him?"

"Reprogram?" Kenobi asked. "Program him for what?"

Both Ahsoka and Padme stared at the two Jedi, incredulous. Then they both shouted in unison, "MASSAGE THERAPIST!"

Padme was particularly upset once she was caught up. "Ugh. Anakin Skywalker, you are just like every other silly little boy in the galaxy, always thinking with your tiny lightsaber first and asking questions later."

"Yes, that does seem to be Anakin's strong suit," Kenobi joked.

"Massage therapist?" Anakin said, scratching his head. "Ahsoka, why do you need a massage therapist?"

"Because after a long campaign on the front lines _I need something to help me relieve stress and_ CALM! DOWN!" she answered, shouting at him even louder. " _But then you came in here and…and…NNNGGGAAAAAAHHHHHH!"_

"Exactly," Padme cut in, agreeing with her partner in crime. "You two boys might get along fine with Jedi meditations, slicing up battle droids on the battlefield or playing shoot'em up in space, but women are different. We need more than just sitting around and chanting. A good massage can do wonders to heal the mind and the body. _And now thanks to you neither one of us is going to get any relief_."

"What happened to our massage therapy sessions?" another voice interrupted.

"And what are they doing here?" a fourth asked.

Anakin and Obi Wan looked over and spotted both Master Aayla Secura of the Jedi Council and Riyu Chuchi, Republic Senator from the planet Pantora. They had entered the room through the same door as Senator Amidala. Master Secura took one look at the sliced battle droid and one look at Anakin and immediately deduced the rest. "I see Anakin leapt before thinking again."

"Hey!" Skywalker protested.

"What was your first clue?" Kenobi joked once again, needling his former student.

"Let me guess, he was also preening afterwards?" Secura added.

" _I wasn't preening_!" Anakin shouted.

"Oh you most certainly were, Anakin," Ahsoka replied.

"Since when?"

"Since you first destroyed that droid control ship over Naboo," Padme reminded him. "You've been full of yourself ever since." She wanted to add that he tended to preen and strut after sex as well, but their marriage was a secret. Thus she kept her silence on the matter.

"Hey, I was just a little boy," Anakin answered in his own defense.

"Yes, well it seems some things never change," Obi Wan chortled.

"What the preening or that he's still a little kid?" Ahsoka asked of Master Kenobi.

"BOTH!" Kenobi and Secura answered together.

"Hey, hey, hey, when did this become about me?" Anakin cut in, feeling a bit put upon.

"It became about you when you hacked up my massage droid," Ahsoka cried, reminding him of his transgressions. "Didn't you read the sign by the door? Oh, no, you didn't, otherwise you wouldn't be in here."

"Sign? What sign?" Skywalker asked.

"The one that says, 'Therapy In Session, Keep Out,'" Kenobi answered. "It was right next to the door if you had taken a moment to look."

"I didn't see it," Anakin barked, "besides, I thought Ahsoka was in trouble. I heard her calling for help."

"No, you heard me enjoying a deep tissue massage. A massage I'll never finish because of you, you… you… YOU NERF HERDER!"

Senator Chuchi gasped, "Oh dear, she is very cross with him, isn't she?"

Aayla Secura nodded. "Very much."

"Hey, don't get personal," Anakin scolded, "I'm still your master."

"Yes, and as her master it is up to you to show some responsibility in this matter," Kenobi instructed.

"How, exactly," Anakin replied, hoping to put his former master on the spot. However, Kenobi was up to the task.

"You'll just have to be Ahsoka's masseuse until she can reprogram another battle droid," Kenobi told him with much amusement.

"WHAT!?"

"Don't worry, Anakin, I'll explain your absence to the Council. Goodbye."

"Oh no you don't, Master Kenobi," Padme yelled, calling Obi Wan out. "This is as much your fault as Anakin's."

"I beg your pardon," he said, confused and incredulous.

"Skywalker was your Padawan, was he not?" Aayala Secura noted. "You were responsible for training Anakin, including how to be patient, mindful of his surroundings and to control his temper. And based on our current situation I would say you failed."

"Hey, that's right," Ahsoka said, "he almost got away with that one. Ooooh, he's a sneaky one."

"And what do you suggest I do?" Kenobi asked, now trying to put Aayla on the spot.

The four girls just looked at each other and smiled.

 **~O~**

"HEY, OW! Anakin, you're doing it wrong," Ahsoka yelled.

"I'm a Jedi, not a masseuse," he yelled back. "And I'm your master so how do I end up massaging your back?"

Ahsoka just shot him the most infuriated look. Anakin instantly backed down, he had seen that look before from Padme. It sent chills down his spine and pierced through every level of Jedi training and armor he could muster. That look, it just frightened him. _Good grief, does every girl in the galaxy know that look_ , he asked himself. "Okay, okay."

"Anakin, just follow what's in the instruction book and you'll be fine," Kenobi assured

"Ooh, Master Kenobi, you have such wonderful hands," Padme cooed, much to Anakin's irritation.

"Yes, well, I did… uh… have some practice when I was younger," he carefully spoke.

"What?"

"You?"

"Obi Wan was young? Who'd of thunk it?"

"Very funny," he mocked.

Not wanting to suffer alone, Anakin chirped up. "It was Duchess Satine, wasn't it?"

"Anakin! That was a private conversation!"

Padme turned over to face the man massaging her back, "You once had a relationship with Duchess Satine? Of Mandalore?"

Obi Wan just blushed and furrowed his brow. "I don't like to talk about it."

"Well, you're only human, Master Obi Wan," Padme told him as she rolled back. "We all need a little love and companionship in our lives. Even Jedi."

"HEY WATCH YOUR HANDS, BUSTER!" Ahsoka shouted at Anakin.

"Sorry, it slipped."

"Yeah, sure, your hands just happened to slip up my Togruta butt," she grumbled. "Boys, they never change."

"Now look here, Little One," Anakin yelled at Ahsoka. "You should consider yourself lucky I'm in such good humor today. I have half a mind to put you over my knee and give you a good spanking."

Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to eye Anakin Skywalker when he spoke those words.

"Uh…, that didn't come out right," he said, backpedaling.

Obi Wan shook his head in disgrace and then offered the younger man some advice. "Anakin, you're deep enough as it is. Now shut up and keep massaging."

"Yeah, Anakin. Massage. Not spank," Ahsoka scolded him.

"Master Skywalker can spank me anytime," Padme whispered. This caused Obi Wan to nearly swallow his own tongue. "Oops, heheh," she laughed nervously, "did I say that out loud?"


	11. New Phone Number

**New Phone Number**

* * *

Asajj Ventress and Ahsoka Tano were seated at that bar in _K'vell's Sports, Food and Drink_ located on the seedy lower levels of Coruscant. They watched in stunned silence as a view screen displayed an advertisement for the new emergency phone number.

 _"Dialing 999 will no longer get you the Republic Emergency Services. But more has changed, the Republic has upgraded to new speeders, handsome people and faster response times. Just dial 0118 999 881 999 119 725… 3."_

"Now there is a mouthful," Ventress commented.

"Oh come on, it's easy to remember," Ahsoka replied. "0118 999 881 999 119 725… 3."

"Uh huh. Su-re!"

"Hey, forget about it. Let's drown our sorrows to the demise of _The Clone Wars_ television show," Ahsoka suggested. "Another great entertainment cut short before it's time."

"Right up there with _Firefly_ and the original _Star Trek_."

"Exactly!"

The two woman tossed back some hard liquor. Then they asked for another round, and after toasting fallen friends, they each tossed back more shots.

"Hey, here is to Count Dooku," Ventress saluted.

"The man who tried to kill you?"

"Yeshhh… may he get what is coming to him."

"To Count Dooku," Ahsoka agreed.

"To Count Baloo… uh, Daloo… DOOKU."

"Yeah, him."

Both threw back their shots and slammed their respective glasses on the bar, both looking a just a bit snockered at this point. At about this time the cook from the grill started shouting. A fire had broken out in the kitchen and it was spreading quickly. Apparently the grease which no one bothered to clean off the walls was acting as an accelerant and within seconds the entire kitchen was suddenly a giant barbeque.

"Quick, call the Republic Emergency Services," the bar owner shouted. The bartender grabbed his phone and dialed 999, but was greeted with "This number is no longer in service."

"It's not working!" he yelled.

"I got this," Ahsoka cried. She took her cell phone and started dialing. "0119 99, no wait. 0115 9, errgghh!"

"What's wrong, can't remember?" Ventress snickered.

"Stop complaining and start helping!"

"Okay fine." Ventress took her flip phone and began dialing the numbers. "Hello, emergency services? Well what planet am I calling? Hello?"

"You forgot the three at the end!" Ahsoka shouted.

"Well let's see you do better!" Ventress yelled back.

"Okay, I know what to do?" Ahsoka tilted her phone, slid out the keypad and started texting. "Subject: Fire. Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you…"

"What the hell are you doing, Tano? Sending an engraved invitation?"

"Fine, let me try that again. 'Fire! Fire! Help me! Level 1313, _K'Vell's Sports, Food and Drink._ Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Ahsoka Tano.' There, happy?"

"Oh yeah, that'll do it," Ventress replied with a facepalm _and_ an eyeroll.

"Hey, what about the fire extinguisher?"

"Brilliant idea, Tano. Nice to see you always on your toes."

Ahsoka snatched the nearest extinguisher using the Force and pointed the hose at the burning kitchen. It quickly burst into flames. "What the heck?" Ahsoka inspected the device and found a tiny sticker that read _Made on Coruscant_.

Ahsoka and Ventress shared a frustrated glance. "Figures!" they said together.

"This place is going up fast," Ventress observed. "Let's get out of here."

"Right behind you."

The two former apprentices bounded towards the door and just as they were about to exit the burning building WHAM! Both were knocked out cold when the twin doors swung open and men dressed in protective clothing entered.

"Did someone text us about a fire?"

* * *

 **An homage to a favorite television show!**


	12. Star Wars Rebels: Surprise Me

**Star Wars Rebels: Surprise Me**

* * *

The _Ghost_ exited hyperspace near the remote planet Atollon which harbored the young rebellion's headquarters: Chopper Base. The crew had just endured another long and tiring mission against the Galactic Empire. Former Jedi Ahsoka Tano had accompanied them. Her time in the Clone Wars meant she had had many experiences and visited so many planets in the galaxy that it seemed to young Ezra that nothing could astonish her.

"How did you know to do that to the Imperials?" he asked her.

"I fought alongside my master on that planet many years ago," she told him.

"You've been everywhere, haven't you?"

"Yes, there is nothing in this galaxy which… can… sur… prise…" At that moment Ahsoka peered out the cockpit window and spied what appeared to be a small rocket with angel wings topped with the head of a young woman with long, curly hair. It along with three other male companions who looked to be playing some sort of game rocketed passed the ship. "Well that was surprising."

"What was that?" Ezra asked.

"Um… go practice Form IV, Ezra."

"You don't know, do you?"

"Not a clue."

* * *

The little female rocketship is Interplanet Janet from the old ABC education series _Schoolhouse_ _Rock!_ _Schoolhouse Rock!_ is owned by ABC which is owned by Disney (just like _Star Wars_ ) so I thought I would mash it all up into a quick joke story. Enjoy!

If you remember _Schoolhouse Rock!_ let me know what your favorite segments were in the reviews!


	13. Chapter 13

**Wrong Ship!**

* * *

The sliding doors opened. Two people burst into the room. The first, a shorter human was holding a blaster. The other, who was taller and looked like a walking shag carpet in brown, was holding some kind of crossbow. They yelled as they entered the room.

"Get off my ship you lousy… wait a minute. Jean-Luc Picard?"

"Han Solo? What are you doing on board the _Enterprise_?"

"We're on the wrong ship!" Solo observed.

"Wrong ship? You're in the wrong franchise," Picard added.

"NNngrraaaahhhhggg!" Chewbacca growled.

Captain Han Solo dropped his blaster and took a more relaxed, if subdued stance. "Yeah, yeah, I know, Chewy. We should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque just like you said. C'mon, let's go."

"NNgarrgh!" Chewy continued.

"Yes, I know you are the navigator," Han replied.

"Nargh!"

"And I should always listen to what you say," Han continued as the two exited the bridge, the turbolift doors shutting behind them.

Data, who was now the first officer of the _Enterprise_ in the wake of William Riker's promotion to captain and subsequent reassignment to the _USS_ _Titan_ , turned to Picard and asked, "Captain, how does one take a left turn at Albuquerque while in space?"

"Data, I don't give a damn. I'm just glad they're off my ship."


	14. Chapter 14

**Coffee! More Coffee!**

* * *

"Surrender, Separatist scum!" Padawan Ahsoka Tano yelled as she rushed into the room, her lightsaber drawn. She had sliced open the double doors even though they slid open entirely on their own.

"Ahsoka! Wait!" her master and mentor Anakin Skywalker called out.

"Hey, this isn't a Separatist frigate!" Ahsoka observed.

"Who the hell are you?" a woman behind a desk asked.

"Oh, sorry, Captain Janeway," Anakin apologized. "My Padawan got ahead of me. She needs to learn to listen to her master."

Ahsoka blushed with embarrassment. "Sorry. And about the door, too."

"My engineer can fix that."

"Thanks for not pressing any chargers against my young student."

"That's okay. She just needs a little seasoning, that's all," Janeway said. "I was like that at her age."

Ahsoka sniffed at the air. "What is that interesting smell?"

"You mean my coffee?"

"Is that what it is? I've never tried it before. May I?"

Anakin face palmed. "Snips, we don't have the time."

"It's okay. Here, let me replicate a cup for you," Janeway offered.

"Replicate?" Ahsoka asked. She stood in awe as a small shelf in the wall produced from thin air a cup with the intensely odorous drink. She took the insulated mug into her hand and felt the heat. A deep breath and she ingested that pungent odor she so deeply enjoyed. Then, with one sip, the entire experience crashed around her. "Oh, that's so bitter."

"Well, I know some like to flavor it with sugar," Janeway told her. The starship captain replicated a container of white sugar which Ahsoka added to her drink little by little until it was just the right sweetness for her young taste buds. "Mmmm... so good."

"Okay, fine. You've had your first cup of coffee," Anakin observed dryly. "Time to get back to our own universe."

"Can I get one to go?" the young one asked.

"Ahsoka!?" Skywalker reprimanded, embarrassment deeply evident in his voice.

"Please, Master?"

"No, we have our own responsibilities."

"Captain, can I buy one of those machines to make my own coffee every morning?"

"I'm sorry, I can't..."

"Ahsoka! Don't trouble the good starship captain."

"Just one more cup!"

"NO!"

"Another sip."

"NO!" Anakin grabbed her by the belt and dragged her from Captain Janeway's Ready Room. "We have to go."

"But I can't!"

"Yes! You! Can!"

"Stop!"

"Go!"

"More coffee!"

"Enough!"

"A cup. A sip. A whiff. AAAIIIEEEE!"

Anakin Skywalker forcibly dragged her out of the room until only her fingers were left clinging to the doorway, then they too vanished.

Captain Kathryn Janeway sighed. "What a strange little girl. At least she has good taste in drinks." Kathryn accidentally took one sip from Ahsoka's cup. She winced at just how sweet it was. "Oh! I stand corrected. She ruined a perfectly good cup of coffee."


	15. Chapter 15

**Insert dumb title here**

* * *

The crew of the _Ghost_ disembark at Chopper Base. They each are removing box shaped forms of themselves from their bodies. Ezra is the most vocal about what they have just endured.

"I can't believe we had do another of those _Lego Star Wars_ television specials," he groused.

"It's what you get when you work for Disney," Sabine told him, not entirely in disagreement with his statement.

"Yeah, but don't you wish we could get back to fighting the Empire instead of making all these sideshows?"

"I know I do," Hera answered as she struggled to remove the Lego prosthetic from her head.

"Welcome back," Ahsoka greeted the crew. "How was your little side line?"

"Don't ask," Zeb grumbled as he walked by.

"I thought you would welcome a little diversion from fighting the Empire," Ahsoka replied, confused.

"We don't mind the distraction, it's what we're asked to do that irritates us," Hera told her. "It's almost like Disney is making fun of our situation."

"They are," Commander Tano replied, "but in a good way."

"What about you, Ahsoka?" Ezra asked. "I don't see you doing any of these silly Lego shows. What do you do?"

She sighed. "When I'm not directly engaged with Rebel efforts I spend my time greeting little kids, and some aging nerds, at the Disney parks in California and Florida. And yes, I even have to wear the mouse ears."

"Wow, that's got to be awful," Sabine concluded.

"It can be," she replied. "Especially when some snickering, teenaged fan boy asks me if I've slept with Captain Kirk."

Kanaan face palmed. "I feel bad for you, Ahsoka."

"Ugh! I can't believe this, it's like Disney owns us," Ezra complained loudly. "What's next, are they going to dictate our underwear, too?"

Ahsoka hung her head and her face turned a deep shade of crimson, visible even against her normally orange toned skin.

"No!"

"Yes. Ever since The Disney Company acquired Lucusfilm I've been contractually obligated to wear Minnie Mouse underwear," she answered.

"Even now?"

"Even now."

"Well, at least it's not a thong," Zeb muttered.

Everyone stared at him with wide eyed disbelief.

"I wasn't supposed to say that out loud, was I?"


	16. Chapter 16

**Star Wars: Stir Whip Stir!**

* * *

"Anakin, I came as soon as I heard," Obi Wan Kenobi said the instant he disembarked from a transport. "How is she?"

"Not well, Master," Skywalker replied. "There has been no improvement in her condition, but the doctors are hopeful."

"How did this happen?"

"We were tracking Hondo to arrest him for his latest illegal trade when he turned the tables on us," Anakin explained. "Ahsoka was captured and tortured until I could find her again."

"Tortured? How?"

"Hondo made her watch the most awful thing he could find."

"What was it? Videos of the war? Executions? Destruction of entire planets?"

"No, Master. _The Star Wars Holiday Special_."

"THE FIEND!"

"She's been in a near catatonic state ever since. The most the doctors have been able to coax from her is 'stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat!'"

"Oh the poor girl."

* * *

 **I hope this ficlet doesn't put any of my readers into a catatonic state!**

 **Note: The Stir Whip Stir Whip line comes directly from a segment featuring Harvey Korman who plays a four armed cooking show host trying to teach one of Chewbacca's relatives how to cook. Yeah, it really was that bad.**


	17. Drinking Games

**WELCOME TO LAME OLD JOKES THEATER** : Tonight's guest host is Ahsoka Tano.

* * *

AHSOKA: "Hello, boys. On this great New Year's Eve you should know that I don't drink anymore."

CLONE TROOOPER: "Good for you, kid."

 _Someone hands Ahsoka a drink. She takes a big swig._

AHSOKA (with a smirk): "Of course, I don't drink any less, either."

CLONE TROOPPERS: "BOOOO! Get off the stage. What a lame joke! You stink!"

AHSOKA (crosses arms): "Remember boys, I'm making the duty roster next week."

CLONE TROOPERS: "YAAAYYY! You tell it great, Commander! Bravo! Bravo! We love you! I want to have your baby!"

AHSOKA: "Uh, you do know you're the guy, right?"

* * *

 **THIS HAS BEEN LAME OLD JOKES THEATER. GOODNIGHT, EVERYONE!**


End file.
